Employer Columnist (June 2009)

Don’t Pull Your Hair Out!

 

Hair loss clinics are doing such good business nowadays aren’t they? Perhaps it’s because we have so much conflicts in our lives. We argue with ourselves when we are getting out of bed, “oh just 5 more minutes”, we argue with our spouse on the way out of the house, we argue with the traffic on the way to the office, we argue with the results of the meetings held during the day, we argue with our colleagues when they don’t seem to be doing things our way and to top it off, as Human Resource Managers, we have to solve other people’s conflicts!

Perhaps hair loss clinics will statistically prove that HR managers have higher incidence of hair loss. No, that title belongs to dentists, not HR managers. Isn’t it frustrating that we have to deal with not only our problems, but also other people’s problems? Don’t we have enough as it is? Back when I was a civil engineer, I was the principle engineer in charge of the mechanical and electrical installations at a medium sized water treatment plant. Everybody’s problems came bearing down on me like I was in a bad dream. It was so bad that there were days that I didn’t want to wake up in the morning because I know that problems would be waiting for me. There were such stressful days that I would sometimes sit alone in a corner and worry, worry, worry and be absolutely unresourceful. Back then I didn’t have the coping skills that I do now.

The worst thing that can happen in an organization is for conflicts to break out. It’s challenging enough when one individual refuses to talk to another, it’s worse when it involves one department with another and the ultimate nightmare is when sister companies refuse to cooperate because of conflict. And you are called upon to mediate. Taking a page out of Joe Vitale’s book Zero Limits: -

“In traditional approaches to problem solving and healing, the therapist (in this case, the mediator – you) begins with the belief that the source of the problem is within the client, not within him. He believes that his responsibility is to assist the client in working through his problem. To be an effective problem solver, the therapist must be willing to be 100 percent responsible for having created the problem situation; that is, he must be willing to see that the source of this problem is erroneous thoughts within him, not within the client. Therapists never seem to notice that every time there is a problem, they are always present!”

Being 100 percent responsible for creating the problem allows you to be 100 percent responsible for resolving it.

So how does this help you? Closure. When one conflict is absolutely resolved, it cannot bother you anymore. If we however allow conflict to be partially resolved, they have a habit of growing from a puppy to a 100 pound Rottweiler that will hunt for your ass.

The key to conflict management is understanding. Understanding yourself, then understanding others. Hence here are a few books for you: -

  • I am right you are wrong – Edward de Bono
  • The anatomy of peace – The Arbinger Institute
  • Zero Limits – Joe Vitale
  • Emotional Intelligence – Daniel Goleman

Read these books, keep your hair.

Written by
Edmond Yap
Education Republic
www.edurepublic.com

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Edmond is a qualified civil engineer who has been working in the engineering field for 5 years.  Switching career in motivational speaking and training, he was the performance consultant at the Malaysian chapter of Dale Carnegie Training. His love of motivating and inspiring people prompted him to starting up Education Republic with a few others. 

He can be reached at edmond@edurepublic.com